All That I've Got
by Kassia Lirret
Summary: This is the story of Lily Evans and Narcissa Black... later Malfoy. Inspired by the song "All that I've Got" by The Used. Rated M for future chapters.
1. Chapter 1

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**I do not own any of these characters. They all belong to J.K. Rowling. I do however own my imagination. Enjoy and review.**

**I do not own these song lyrics. They belong to The Used ((heart)).  
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_I'll be just fine, pretending I'm not…_

No! This is not supposed to happen. I'm not gay! I love Lucius, who is in fact a man. I do **not **like Lily Evans. I can't. I am to be married to Lucius in a year –after his last year. I will be happy. I love Lucius.

But _if_ I was gay, it would explain how the thought of "doing it" with him repulses me to no end, and how the thought of… with Lily… I can't even think about it. That not right. She's so young. This is so perverted of me.

Not that I am gay. I can't be! I'm engaged to a man –a really sweet man too. He's handsome, rich, charming, and powerful. I'm probably just nervous about the wedding. I'm not gay.

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_So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me…_

Why? Narcissa Black will not stop looking at me, and when I try to talk to her, she practically runs away from me. She probably does because I'm muggle born, but she doesn't say any snide remarks like her idiot fiancé.

But the more important question is, why do I care? She is nothing to me, just another Slytherin.

I just want to know why she stares at me, because it's so unusual. There's not much to see. Yet she still stares. I can't ask her because she just mumbles something and hurries away when I do. Why do I care?

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_Off guard, red handed now I'm far from lonely…_

This is getting bad. I've never felt this way towards anyone else. Ever. Lily is all I can think about. Whenever she tries to talk to me, I just get so nervous I can't even think and I have to get away. As soon as I do, I instantly regret it. I want to walk to her. I want to know her.

I wish I were a Griffindor – see how bad this is? – so that I can be with her. But what would that accomplish? I can't even bring up the courage to say "Hi."

Asleep I still see you lying next to me…

I think she's insane. Like she's gone completely off her nut. She needs to get over whatever it is she has against me because this is getting ridiculously weirder by the minute. I don't think she even looks anywhere else in the Great Hall anymore. Just me. It's so awkward in creepy. If she's trying to scare me out of the school with her gaze, well she's going to have to try harder than that.

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_I squoze so hard I stopped your heart from beating…_

I can't do it any more. I can't live a lie.


	2. So Deep

**Hey guys! From now on the chapters will be much longer since the last thing was just a prologue!**

**Also please note this is my first story not in 1****st**** person. In fact it's in 2****nd**** person to challenge my writing skills. PLEASE comment on any mistakes you see. Thanks!**

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Narcissa Malfoy woke up in the Malfoy suite on a particularly snowy day in late November of her 7th year at Hogwarts. Today, after 2 years, she would bring up the courage to talk to Lily Evans. At least that was her plan. She wasn't so sure.

Now you see, Narcissa wasn't usually like this. Actually, she was never like this. If she wanted something, she would simply reach out and take it. But there was something about Lily, that changed that part of her into something completely different -something far better than anything she could have possibly dreamed to have with the future ahead of her.

All this was because for the past 2 years, Narcissa fell in love with Lily. She would never have admitted to this at that time, even though she knew in her heart the truth of those words, but still she denied it.

Narcissa walked into the Great Hall with an unexpected confidence, and directly to the Griffindor table, sitting at an empty place next to Lily –who she easily found by her unmistakable red-bronze hair.

"Hello," she said calmly, a warm smile on her face, "I'm Narcissa, but please call me Cissy."

"Uhm…" was all Lily could say. This person who'd been ignoring her for the past 2 years was suddenly right next to her introducing herself.

"…Hi?" Lily half said, half asked, "I'm Lily."

"I know," Narcissa replied, "You're only a 3rd year right?" Lily nodded. "Would you like to go to the Yule Ball with me so you can get in?" The last part kind of came out in a rush and Lily could quite understand it, especially the parts she had heard.

"Pardon?" she asked.

Narcissa let out a deep breath before she tried to speak again. "Will you go to the Yule ball with me? Since you're only a 3rd year and I'm a 7th and-"

"Aren't you married?" Lily interrupted.

Narcissa hadn't been anticipating this reaction, but should have. That would have been her response, but somehow Lucius had completely escaped her mind. Big mistake.

"Well yes, but-"

"Good Morning Narcissa."

Lucius always knew when to show up at the most inopportune moments.

"Speak of the devil," Lily said, looking past me.

Lucius scowled down at her.

"You have no right to address me, _Mud-blood_," he snarled. His expression became the polar opposite when he looked at Narcissa. "Cissy, are you coming to break fast with me this morning at the Mansion. I know you have the first class off today."

"Actually, _Lucius_," she said his name the same way he had said 'mud-blood', "I'm going to stay here."

His expression hardened, but only Narcissa saw the ice in his glare. "Oh, really?" He leaned down to eye level with her. She glared back.

"Yes," she hissed menacingly. Lucius smirked. He had taught her well.

"I'll let you win this one," he whispered into her ear, "but remember that you belong to me."

With that, he left the Great Hall with a flourish, empty handed and alone.

Narcissa looked down at her feet, a few angry tears threatening to escape. "I'm sorry," she mumbled, getting up. The fight began for her to hold it together until she got back to the common room –at least.

"Cissy," a soft voice called from behind her, though it was strained with anger. Narcissa turned around, still not looking at Lily. "I want to go with you."

Her head shot up. She hadn't heard that correctly.

"What?" she asked.

"I want to go with you," Lily repeated.

Narcissa looked into Lily's eyes. She was doing it to piss off Lucius. 'Well, at least she's doing it.'

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So, I'm sure you're thinking, 'what an interesting beginning.' You don't even know. Their story is filled with many twists and turns such as this. I have made it my duty to record stories much like theirs, no matter how woeful.

I do this to support couples very much like Lillian and Narcissa -to help bring equality in the Wider Wizarding World. That is my goal. I want total peace between all wizards and witches I hope to do this one story at a time.

Now lets continue with Lily sitting, dazed in her Charms class that same morning…

Thoughts kept swimming around Lily's head about what had just happened. She was not quite certain as to what had truly lead up to her agreeing with Narcissa. Part of her wanted to see the look on Lucius' face when she showed up with his wife; but there was some other part, which said something entirely different –something she couldn't comprehend.

She was going to the Yule Ball with Narcissa Malfoy, who is married to the wealthiest wizard in the world. So what? In her mind, this was only happening to piss off Lucius. That's why Narcissa asked her anyways. It was very obvious that their marriage was falling apart.

'Cissy,' Lily mentally corrected.

But was that the real reason why she had said yes? That was the troubling thought that was keeping her from learning the new charms she needed to master for homework tomorrow. She didn't even know what they were.

And for some reason, she didn't care…

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Narcissa sat at the piano bench in the Slytherin common room. Her hair was tied up in a ribbon. Narcissa always did that when she wanted to focus on something. Right now, she was focusing on the music.

She was playing the _Moonlight Sonata_, a muggle piece, over and over again. It soothed her. She let herself become tangled in the notes… rising, falling… twisting, flowing… She became the music.

Narcissa was so absorbed in her playing, that she didn't hear her husband come through the floo at the fireplace across the room from her. She continued to play as he approached.

"Narcissa," Lucius called softly.

Narcissa practically jumped out her seat. She was not expecting any interruptions. She had had enough of them for one day. She looked up to see Lucius standing at the end of the piano. He hadn't changed from earlier that morning, except maybe his attitude. He was up to something.

"Did it work?"

"Did what work, you imbecile?" she replied, angrily.

He smirked. "Are you going with the mud-blood you love so dearly to Yule Ball?"

Her face couldn't hide the shock. He knew her far too well.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," she mumbled. He laughed.

"Of course you don't," Lucius snickered, "I still have no idea what you see in her. In comparison to me anyways." Narcissa rolled her eyes. "But I will not pretend to not understand what you are going through. I do. We're going through the same thing actually."

That last part confused Narcissa. What was he saying?

"The façade that everyone sees is exactly that. A façade. To everyone in the world, I am a cynical bastard. But to those close to me –such as yourself- I hope that I am something different.

"Don't get me wrong, I am a cynical bastard," he corrected by the look on Narcissa's face, "But to those I care about, I want to be different. I want to be different for you."

Narcissa could find her voice. She knew exactly what he was saying. It was awful to think about what would have to happen next. This was going to be bad -**very** bad.

"Lucius, I-" she began, but again was interrupted as he walked around to stand next to her.

"You don't need to say anything," he said as he bent down to kiss her gently on the forehead, "I love you."

'Damnit,' she cursed. Life had to be complicated.

"Lucius," she said, tears began to pour down her face. It was all too much.

"It's okay," he began to sooth.

"No it's not," she argued, "It's really, really not." She got up out of her seat and began pacing back and forth quickly. She wasn't sure how to say this nicely.

Lucius sat at the bench, patiently waiting for her calm down.

He began to play _Clair De Lune._

That was not helping. Her comforting piano was definitely not helping.

"Lucius," she said again, taking a deep breath before blurting the truth, "I don't love you." He stopped playing abruptly. "At least not like you want me to. I can never love you like that. I'm sorry."

He looked confused. He was being rejected for the first time in his life.

"I'm sorry," she said again, very close to sobbing, "I'm gay. I'm sorry."

He got up and walked over to her, the he hugged her. "Don't be."

She wasn't sure to which he was replying. "Don't be sorry" or "Don't be gay."


	3. Knock me out

**HELLO PEOPLE OF FANFICTION!!! I need reviews!!! Please???**

**With All Due Respect,**

**C.R. Revenge~

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Lily made it through a week before realization sunk in.

Now Lily was raised as a muggle, everything she knew before Hogwarts still stuck with her. In the muggle world, acceptance is even more rare. At least the Wizarding Community is making an effort. Muggles have been known to throw people off bridges for being gay. That hasn't taken place in the Wizarding World since The Revolution over 200 hundred years ago. Back then it wouldn't even be murder to kill a gay person for muggles. In fact, the killer would be awarded for it. Thankfully it is no longer that way.

My point is, in that moment, Lily knew she wasn't straight. That she had been thinking about Narcissa for the past week, consistently -that she was doing this not only to piss of Lucius, but because she liked Narcissa.

This thought terrified her. Soon everything and more than Narcissa had been thinking 2 years before went through Lily's mind –minus the being engaged part.

Her parents would disown her. So would Severus. No one would dare even look at her ever again. And she wasn't even a lesbian! -Just half of one. Someone might even try to kill her.

Lily began to hyperventilate in her room that morning. She couldn't breathe. Everything she had ever thought came crashing down. She… was over-reacting. 'It might not be that bad. After all Severus… well he had never admitted to it, but it was very obvious that he was… maybe he'd know what to do.'

She was just about to go get dressed when she suddenly thought "But what if he isn't?" That would be bad. She decided to stay in bed after that. There was no one she could turn to. She gave herself a bruise. *

_Hit me, knock me out and let me go back to sleep…

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She hadn't spoken to Lucius since their last conversation. He had been ignoring her owls and blocked the floo. Narcissa worried he would do something stupid, but Severus assured her that he was fine. She trusted Snape, but she wanted to know for herself. Unfortunately she wouldn't be able to until after the Yule Ball.

The ball. Whenever she thought about it, butterflies flew in her stomach. She was going with Lily, who had been acting very strange lately. Narcissa purposefully gave Lily space when she saw how jittery she was. Narcissa hoped she wasn't the cause. If only she knew.

Now although no communication had gone between Lily and Narcissa, somehow their relationship and infatuation had become stronger. Lily began to stress about what she was going to wear to the ball –which Narcissa took care of by sending an owl to Twillfit and Tatting's to make a "house call" to Lily and charge the Malfoys. Narcissa began to tell what mood Lily was in by her eyes. Things just seemed to secretly connect them.

In the Wizarding World, when two people get married, there's this sort of mental connection that keeps the two together when they are apart. A link. But in very special cases, when a person finds their soul mate, the link becomes instantly there.

I say this because Narcissa and Lily were soul mates, as I'm sure you guessed. They could already tell emotions and sometimes thoughts, without speaking to each other, from great distances. Now neither of them figured it out. Narcissa was so love-struck she was convinced that she was imagining most of it and Lily was still freaking out about her sexuality. Neither of them noticed how they could tell what the other was thinking.

But some other people did.

Lucius may have ignoring Narcissa, but Severus wasn't. Since Lucius had become good friends with young Snape, it was easy to persuade him to keep an eye out for Narcissa.

He wasn't trying to be possessive, but he truly cared for her and was deeply offended that she couldn't love him like a wife should. It wasn't fair. As a Malfoy, he needed an heir to keep the family alive. For that, he needed Narcissa. But she was gay. Somehow, he needed to convince her otherwise.

So, he thought, if he could show her how cruel women could be, she would be more willing to try men. It sounded like a good plan.

But almost immediately he could see that his plan would be impossible. The jealous rage that over-took him was terrible, and no one was less fortunate to see this rage than Severus Snape.

Lucius began to take out everything on him, and Severus began to return from the Mansion bruised often with a broken nose or fat lip. When he tried to get away, Lucius would find him and beat him worse than before. Every bit of pain he felt, echoed to Severus. It soon wasn't enough. He tried hurting himself, anything to echo the pain. His once pristine skin became marred with scars. But that still wasn't enough.

He soon sold his soul to the Dark Lord. Little did he know, that that one decision would get him exactly what he wanted and something he never knew he didn't want.

_It didn't even bleed and catch me…_

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It was the night of the Yule Ball. Everything was perfect. Lily was wearing a deep blue gown, perfectly tailored. He hair was in long ringlets opposed to its normal straightness. Oh, the irony. The curls cascaded down her back, which was bare due to the robes being cut like that.

Narcissa wore a crimson red gown with an extremely low-neck line. It had small puffy sleeves and long red silk gloves. Her hair was done in a twist, her lovely blonde hair falling onto one shoulder. She grabbed her matching cloak and headed down to the enchanted Great Hall for the occasion, extremely anxious to see Lily.

Lily waited outside like Narcissa had asked for 15 minutes because she had rushed down. She held her cloak tightly to her, trying to stay warm in the relentless December weather. Then she saw her.

They both seemed to freeze at the same time, taking in the sight of one another. Although Narcissa couldn't see much, it was enough to make her heart stop, and Lily –well she was practically hyperventilating.

Narcissa continued her ascent up the stairs to Lily. She held out her hand as she approached, Lily took it. Narcissa smiled.

"You look stunning," she said, their faces very close.

Lily blushed. "I could say the same about you." The words were true but so new to her. She wasn't used to flirting with another woman. Nonetheless, Narcissa blushed in return.

They walked into the Great Hall, hand-in-hand. Lily wasn't sure if that was what she wanted, but she didn't want to let go.

They danced and laughed the night away. It was one of the happiest moments of their lives. They touched and felt more than either had ever, and it wasn't always sexual, but calming. When someone would start to stare at the couple, Lily would get very self-conscious and want to leave. Narcissa would rub small circles into the back of her hand saying, "It'll be alright."

_So deep, that I didn't even scream fuck me…

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**Alright peoples, I'm sure you're curious about the random asterisk in the page. * This is a variation of a line from the book _Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close_ by Jonathon Safran Soer. It's a really good book by the way. Anyways, the line "I gave myself a bruise" was used so much in the book it sort of was beat into my brain and I had to use it. Well not the exact line, obviously**.


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